Friday, 14 October 2016

Here Comes the Gross aka Preparing for The Abominable Surgery (Part 1)

Hello friends! I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack! To anyone who has missed my TMI posts filled with detailed descriptions about (and photos of) bodily fluids and other embarrassing/ disgusting/ sticky matters from the good old chemo and boob job days, you are in for a TREAT over the next couple of months!

On 7th November I'm going in to hospital for a hysterectomy. Before I get on to the more juicy stuff, here's the background. I am a genetic mutant. As well as having superpowers which I'm yet to discover, this means I'm at high risk of getting breast cancer and ovarian cancer. I know you shouldn't knock something unless you've tried it, but I already tried breast cancer and I definitely didn't like that, so I think it's fair to work on the assumption that I won't like ovarian cancer either. So, the ovaries got to go.


Meanwhile, the drug I'm taking for the next 9 years to reduce my risk of recurrence of breast cancer (called Tamoxibollocks) increases my risk of endometrial/womb cancer. If the ovaries are gone, the womb is essentially useless anyway. So that is why I'm having a Total Hysterectomy with Bi-lateral Salpingo-Oopherectomy. (Try saying that after a few limoncellos.) Middle fingers up! Put them hands high! Uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes, ovaries Bye!

Anyway my gynae appointment to agree all this was way back in May. I got put on a waiting list, told them I didn't want the surgery before the end of September anyway because of work and stuff, heard nothing back since, and put it out of my mind. Until Wednesday when I got a call from the hospital telling me:
  1. My gynae surgeon has dumped me as he will now only do business with cancer patients. (To be honest though, the snap judgement I made on the one occasion I met him which was for all of about 3 minutes, is that he is a massive dick, so I'm not going to shed any tears over it.)
  2. He's the only one here that does keyhole surgery so I have to have open abdominal surgery.
  3. Surgery date will be within the next 2-3 weeks. (Confirmed yesterday to be 7th November.)
I spent a couple of days in a flap about how soon it is and at the thought of open surgery which means a longer recovery time etc. I considered kicking off and demanding to be referred to elsewhere for the keyhole surgery. But having thought it all over I am probably (I think) not going to do that, and will (almost definitely) just go with the butcher knife/meat cleaver method of surgery on the 7th. Partly because I just want this ticking cancer-time-bomb removal done as soon as possible. Partly because being referred to a different city is likely to cause as many practical issues as having keyhole surgery solves. And partly cos I have started to get back to being a cocky fucker and feel like if I can handle the other surgeries I have had over the last 2 years then I'm sure I can handle this one too. It'll be a piece of piss, right?!

Talking of piss...

So all of a sudden I am having what's classed as major surgery in 3 weeks time and being that cocky fucker that I became following My Cancer Journey (hahaha soz) I hadn't bothered looking into it at all. Like, AT ALL. So I have a lot to learn over the coming days and weeks, and I will be very pleased and happy to share this whole experience with you in minute detail as I become a fully fledged Hyster-Sister (oh yes). Highlights to follow will include:
  • Pissing shards of glass (but hopefully not "self catheterisation" *prays*)
  • Swelly-belly
  • Vaginal discharge
  • Problems with flatulence
  • Using laxatives and screaming when shitting
  • Buying knickers the size of France
  • (Risk of) prolapse.
So exciting! I can't wait! And I'm not entirely joking. From what I have read to date I'm in with a good chance of  being given the morphine button. Plus you know how much I love my hospital dinners and remote controlled bed.

Wednesday, 12 October 2016

A letter to The Simpsons team...

Dear Matt Groening and the whole of The Simpsons team,

Please, please, please will you help our friend Heidi to tick an item off her bucket list?
Last year, aged 32, while pregnant with her third child, Heidi was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer. Obviously any breast cancer diagnosis is unwelcome, however, in case you did not already know, Inflammatory Breast Cancer is the one you really, really *really* don't want to get.

Heidi started chemo during pregnancy but it wasn't working. In order to get the cancer treatment she really needed, Heidi had to give birth prematurely at 28 weeks plus 1 day. 8 days later, she and her partner Keith lost their beautiful baby girl Ally.

As if all this weren't bad enough, Heidi has now been told her breast cancer has spread, and is now incurable.

Heidi put together a bucket list a little while ago. It's actually a Bucket and Spade List - a list of things that Heidi wants to do with and for her two little boys Noah and Tait.

One of the things on the list is a money-can't-buy item - To have her voice on The Simpsons.

Please, please, please can you help to make this dream a reality. There is nothing that will ever make up for Noah and Tait losing their mum - but there are things that can be done to give them special and happy memories of their mum as they grow up. And this is one of them.

Heidi is doing everything she can to live and to make every moment count, and we want to do anything we can to help. Please help us!

Yours hopefully,


PS I am sending this letter in the post but also sharing online...