Thursday, 4 December 2014

Chemos and calendars

Number of days since I was diagnosed with cancer: 139
Number of chemo's left: 0
Number of chemo blood tests left: 0
Number of chemo related cannulas left: 0
Number of hours left to sit with a -4 degree head freezer on my head: 0.

I did it!

Lots of people that go through chemo make a "Last chemo" sign for their last session and have a photo. I wanted to do the same! I got carried away with glitter, and stars, and stickers and feathers and forgot to write "last chemo, 3/12/14" on it until I realised there was no space left... but here you go:

Last Chemo, 3rd December 2014
(I might have forgotten the key facts but let's be honest... it's a brilliant, sparkly sign innit.) 

Along the way I've been fine, not been fine, and pretended to be fine. I know I've been lucky compared to most in terms of side effects - really lucky in fact. But it's been hard, and I think that's more mentally and emotionally than physically. I've had my share of blues and tears. I've felt weak and scared. I've been irrational and negative. There is something about chemo that is so sinister. You're being injected with poison every 3 weeks that is actually designed to kill you. Luckily it only kills cells that are in the process of dividing, and the healthy (non-cancerous) parts of your body can recover (unlike the cancer). But still, you're being repeatedly injected with poison that is killing parts of you. It's not a nice thing to go through, and I am so, so, so relieved it's over.

I'm still not sure what to make of what my oncologist said yesterday after examining me. She said there's a hole where the tumour used to be. I just can't let myself believe that, but I really do hope that it's true. I'm much happier with the thought of a hole where the cancer used to be, than the cancer still being in there.

Anyway, I've celebrated end of chemo with some bubbly and a massive Chinese takeaway with my friend Laura (this is after going out for all you can eat Chinese with Amy last night. I appear to be craving Chinese food. My body must *need* it). Laura made my day. She brought round the three most thoughtful presents ever.
The first was labelled "Because you can" - Some nude nail varnish (I don't need goth nails any more to block out the sun!)
The second labelled "Because you'll have to" - a razor! Haha! But yeah, the hair's growing back all over already so I'm gonna need to shave if I don't want to evolve in to a hairy beast by new year (Diane, if you're reading this, you need not comment....!)
The third labelled "Because it will be" - this was my favourite....

It struck me, is there any present more meaningful than a calendar? Most of you have probably never thought about it like this before, but when someone gives you a calendar for the next year, that's based on an assumption that you're going to be around for that next year. What an amazing assumption to make!  I'm going to write everything I do in this one, and keep it forever. It's not so much things or places that I want to see in there when I look back, it's the names of people I care about who I've spent time with.

Anyway, despite the steroids, I'm getting tired and it's 1.30am and I am actually going in to the office tomorrow afternoon, ha! So I'd better try and get some sleep. I'll try and dream nice things about 2015 when everything is going to work out just fine.

Night night xx

1 comment:

  1. Glad you're at the end of your chemo and there'ssome positive signs.
    An idea for next year - why not write something positive / fun on the first of each month, then you'll see them as you turn each page?