Thursday, 15 October 2015

Current mood

A few people have asked recently if I'm ok because I've been quiet here. The reason is simple, I've been busy getting on with my life. But in keeping with my general life approach of overthinking and then oversharing, here's what's going on...

I'm well. It's 6 months since I finished treatment for a cancer which I really thought would kill me. I honestly thought I'd die. But here I am, alive, well, no sign of anything wrong at all. I'm really lucky and I don't know why I get to be a lucky one. I'm lucky because instead of getting the typical aggressive breast cancer that young women tend to get, I got the bog standard old lady kind which is so much easier to beat. I'm also lucky because it was caught early. And I'm lucky because I was well enough to have the full on belts and braces treatment and compared to pretty much everyone else I know who's gone through the same, my body stood up to it really well. Before I was diagnosed, I wasn't well and no-one knew why. I was tired, and low, and my hair was thinning and blood tests showed my immune system was struggling. (Now we know why.) But now - I feel well. My hair has grown back and it's ridiculously thick and healthy. I take that as a sign that all is well inside. I started running again just recently. Obviously I've lost a lot of fitness over the last year but I was pretty pleased with the 6km I ran on Sunday and the 4.5km on Monday. I know speed and distance and fitness will improve soon enough.

So I'm one of the lucky ones. And that should be at the forefront of my mind all the time. It would have been my friend Rosie's 39th birthday today, but she died in June after her cancer spread to her liver. That was a month to the day after our other friend Jo died, because her cancer spread to her liver. And right now my friend Kate is in hospital, unable to return home, because the cancer that spread to her liver is taking over.

For some unknown reason, things have turned out differently for me and I know I have no right whatsoever to feel anything other than grateful, and happy and lucky. I am alive, well, I have incredible friends who I love SO MUCH, a job that I love, a roof over my head...

I was sure that if I lived, I should just use all my energy and time to try to do things that are worthwhile. I really tried. I've fundraised. I've volunteered. I've joined in campaigns to save the NHS. I set up a blog site for other young women with breast cancer. But something has been missing and I'm realising now I'm actually pretty selfish. I don't want to campaign. I don't want to run that blog anymore. It's making me feel stuck in breast cancer world when I don't need to be in that world. I'm done with cancer. I just want to forget about it and get on with my life.

I want to have fun with my friends. Do well at my job. Work hard, play hard, go for a run, go to the pub, walk the dog, watch tv, sleep in late, go on a holiday. I want to feel safe, feel loved, love back.

Someone needs to give me a good slap and make me pull myself together.


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