What's the best way to mentally and emotionally prepare for the results of a CT scan which you've had to see whether or not your cancer has spread? (Bear in mind that if your cancer has spread, it isn't curable. Your "treatment" will be focussed on giving you as much time with as little pain as possible).
I don't know. I've gone with trying to not think about it. In theory, my cancer shouldn't have spread. The oncologist wasn't even going to give me a CT scan because of the size and grade of my tumour. But I insisted. I know there's cancer in my lymph nodes, which means it could be elsewhere in my body too. No-one thought I had cancer in the first place. The ultrasound was meant to give me peace of mind. Instead it gave me a cancer diagnosis. So it's hard to feel confident that my CT scan results will be good news.
Anyway, there's a good chance I will get the results of my CT scan tomorrow. There's also a chance that they'll show up something which needs further investigation, before it can be ruled out or confirmed as cancer. This is quite common, especially when it's your first ever scan and there's nothing to compare it to.
So today I'm finding it hard to not think about the CT scan results, and about having secondary, incurable breast cancer. I figured maybe now's a good time to start putting together my Bucket List. It's a work in progress but this is what I've got so far, in no particular order:
See the Perseids from somewhere with Dark Sky (instead of Leicester city centre).
Go on the rides on Brighton Pier.
See the northern lights.
Go in a hot air balloon at sunrise.
Go on a holiday on my own.
Learn to dance a proper dance.
Go on a road trip to somewhere cool in one of those little VW campervans.
Oktoberfest in Munich.
Do something to make the world a better place so that I at least know it's all been worth it.